corner of my room

I have so much to tell you.

I could start with the book I wrote

or the ones I read 

About my job that sets my soul on fire 

and my best friends you’ve never met

I have to tell you about the mountains I chased with my boyfriend 

And the music we made 

When I conquered my fear of singing 

four years too late.

I could start at the beginning

With the letters you left me

And the carnival goldfish that outlived you 

And the wall l made from your old magazines 

I’m sorry I cut them 

I just wanted to wake up to lyrics 

And raise the rest of myself on rush

I could start near the end 

Which is more the beginning 

With my tattoos 

and the sound of steel guitar that always calms me down 

I could start in the middle

And tell you everything in both directions 

somewhere halfway between woman and girl 

Splitting myself open by weddings

and funerals that weren’t even mine 

And stories about your sons 

that would make you dance 

About mom and the letters she writes you whenever she can’t sleep 

About your sister and her babies

I’m still writing 

Still breathing into my instruments, 

Still sweating off this perpetual hunger on the field

Celebrating an upper 90s goal like I’m a kid 

And freezing the world on a raspberry shake

Pining for the milliseconds I can taste my memories 

Everyone is afraid of dying now

but no one is afraid of loss 

And movies are getting so bad 

I cut my hair 

And took refuge in your cyber twin 

Knowing I’d find you in the reverb 

But red still reminds me of you

And bob marley makes me cry 

I have so much to tell you,

But I’d rather just show you

this corner of my room

Imagining those calloused hands 

holding my instruments, opening my book, 

feeling my reaching 

and knowing with your dimples 

That I’ve buried you neatly 

In pages and chords and lots of words

To stay for awhile in the corner of my heart 

Where nothing can take you away from me again.